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Grief in real Time 

This is the post excerpt.

Today is my 42 anniversary. Yes, I’m still married to Lee. I feel so sad and alone. Is this feeling new? No, it’s just harder and more intense today. The sadness and being left behind are always there sometimes more manageable other times overwhelming. Words and platitudes given by others do nothing and often provoke anger and jealousy. Keeping busy, hard physical work are outlets that help-for short periods of time and sometimes not at all. It’s been 10 mths. Is it any easier?  Am I getting used to being alone? Do I cry less? Yes and no. Nights are the hardest- an empty side of the bed, no physical contact are tangible reminders.

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Connections

Are you thinking WiFi if you are your on track with the world as we know it. How could we have coped being shut, in or out, by the nasty pesky virus 🦠? Yes sir – our electronic, out there in space options – saved many people – no arguing that. I think and know some people who weren’t motivated to learn space travel stepped up to the plate and hit a home run! That’s a good thing right – learn and grow all the way through your life. Our smart phones, the internet truly became Essential to most us. I really missed the physical contact – no hugging, hand holding or cuddling in my daily life. Wearing masks stunted chatting ( Hard to hear & shop fast & get home!) at the grocery store, restaurants and meeting new people doing errands. People connecting with people was sadly craved for me. Much like really wanting an In-Out Burger ( there so good) my heart salivated …for hugs. It seems as humans we thrive by connecting to each other. Thanks to our scientists for getting in the express lane- creating a vaccine, that is giving us some freedom once again. For all those who maybe sick I wish you sleep, to the many who lost loved ones from Covid, may your memories give you strength to carry on. I am hopeful that 2021 will be remembered as tough but also one that taught us gratitude.

Yikes

There are many inspirational stories related to our present Pandemic by writers far better than me, kudos to them. I don’t have anything new to add. 2020 is proving to be a Big Change far greater than I imagined. Losing all my activities, freedom to shop or just be out & about has certainly made me appreciate our America Home of the Free. I truly feel that we will be ok, perhaps Gratitude will be one of the many lessons we all will have learned. On a personal note – I’m trying not to be a whiner, but I have my moments- staying put is getting really old! For my followers please know I care, wish I could do more to help us get through this scary time. 💕🙏

Here I am

A new season, new year trying to prepare for whatever changes 2020 will bring. By now I know & you also know, that preparing certainly helps but it’s not a sure proof that it will ease our way. It seems to me that the minute I’ve adjusted and get comfortable- boom – I’m busted! I hate that feeling of lack of control that change reminds me of. I tell myself change keeps you a live and appreciative of the calm ( lazy) times. So be it, I carry on sometimes easier and others not so much. Grief is my shadow but my faith, determination shine brighter. 2020 doesn’t it sound like a movie title – who knew?

Moving forward

Two of my volunteer activities are finished until School resumes in September. Four years at the Zoo, three years at the Bolsa Chica Wetlands, great places to work. I also work at our library-I guess you could say I’m a book nerd. What started out as a way to stay busy and keep my grief at a distance – turned out to be priceless. Being with animals and children are like an ice cream cone on a hot summer day. My favorite flavor, those of you that know me, will know it’s Coffee! I have learned so much about monkeys, anteaters, ocelots and yes Snakes! Leading many tours with children K-12 on wild life tours has stretched my brain and helped me to stay in shape. I am so grateful for my freedom, health and the opportunities that have helped me to, “learn and grow.” Missing Lee is always with me. I think I am stronger and managing better. To those of you that are grieving push yourselves to be active ( I know it’s hard.) it pays off big-time. Blessings to all.
Summer is here. I love warm sunny days and extended day light. Yes! My family and are blessed to go to Hawaii together,first trip to the islands since Lee passed. Lee Loved Hawaii – this ones for you honey! I know the Aloha spirit will be with us.

In my 30’s

Do you remember talking with older adults and hearing them say, “In my 30’s, 40’s, 50’s,” this happened? I remember thinking how Old they were, why do they refer to stating the decades? Now that I’m in, my soon to be, mid-70’s I talk just like those Old people! LOL I get it now- when you have only lived 2 or 3 decades you talk-in the present. As we age it seems the decades are like bookmarks of our life. Who new? I’m a big fan of reading, I have lots of bookmarks. 😊 My grief ( Lee left us October 2016) is always with me, I think (Maybe) I’m managing it better. I can have, “nothing going on days,” on my calendar and not freak out! Progress right? Finding it easier to not just be,”Busy,” to enjoy, embrace my life. Good health, freedom to carry on seems to becoming more steady these days. For the family and friends I have that are in the new grief stage – may your days be lighter and know that I care.

A Big Family.

I come from a family of 10 , 2 Boys, 8 Girls, not related to the Kennedys or like the Brady Bunch! Many people have asked me what was it like growing up in a big Family? Since I was a baby with my siblings ranging from 2-14 years a part, I never really lived in a house of 10. I do remember family gatherings that were big and noisy. Becoming a babysitter for my many nieces and nephews at an early age was routine. Our mother was stressed. Gee you think so? My older sisters were often surrogate mothers to me that’s what I remember most. I became a mother while my older sisters became grandmothers! The years, the miles separated us. My growing up took place on the West Coast in a freer and rich place especially for women. Our life experiences at times – set us a part. Reunited as Seniors priceless. Seven siblings have passed. Peace to Betty. Grief and remembering – we do our job. To steal a quote from Alan Alda of MASH ( tv) Adjust, Adapt, Revise is what you must do.

Football

My husband watched a lot of football, loved the Rams, for many years I did my own thing not getting his love of the sport. When he retired I thought maybe now is the time to learn the game and sit with him. Lee was patient and talked me through the games, low and behold I got the football bug! All the graphics and replays speeded up my learning! Yea, Lee was happy and proud of me. (Learn and grow.) Little did we know that our football togetherness would be short. The Rams are doing great this season. I know Lee is happy and with me. It seems grief is a lot like football – Moving slowly, working hard to gain yards-pushed back – finding support in a huddle- sometimes making a touchdown. It’s a long season …

55 Years.

High School reunion revisiting many times together, times apart. Our experience (I believe) was unique. Our small town with one Junior high, one High School resigned us to spend many hours, days, eventually years together. I remember as an adolescent sometimes feeling suffocated, bored, longing for more freedom. Hearing phrases like, “H school years are the best time of your life.” My thoughts we’re not aligned. At 73 I accept, the mandatory attendance paid off big time. Who knew? I was a self-imposed late bloomer. I am grateful for the foundation my high school gave me. Friends, memories, caring, kindness, began many years past, infused with life experiences are priceless. I find myself knowing that for today’s youth ( Including my own) their high school experiences are unlike mine – I truly hope theirs will be rich. Breaking bread together , chatting and sharing stories together a fun time – class of 1963! It seems although we may not look the same – we are the same,. The years seem to make us smarter and softer. A really big thanks to those (You know who you are.) who took the time, stress of orchestrating our 55 th. What a fabulous job !

Job.

Anxiety attacks while driving- horrible- never had them before losing Lee. Grief seems to be the culprit. I’ve been driving for 50 years, living in California means you drive a lot – freeways are a given. So here I am (sometimes) freaking out on a freeway! This really sucks. By now you probably know I don’t give up, instead I Try to find a way to work through. Audio books are my new passenger. I know your just a voice but buckle-up and start talking! Off we go, success, “I love it when a plan works.” Remember the A-Team? My new passenger doesn’t let me down she’s so good that I sit in my car not wanting to shut off the ignition, waiting is hard! Not only has my new tool worked but I learned a new quote having to deal with loss of a loved one. How do you get through? You have a job to Remember them, “Who else will? If you don’t did they live?” Driving is better. Just doing my job.